How do I keep the peace?

This topic contains 1 reply, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  Alison 4 months ago.

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  • #2938

    Anne
    Member

    Hello, My name is Anne
    My father passed away over 2 years ago, and we decided that my mother should move in with us (my husband and me).
    Everything started out ok, but as time has passed it’s becoming more and more of a challenge for me.
    The problem is that my husband is here at home with my mother more than I am because I work full time. When I get home he’ll often start with ‘she’s driving me crazy’ or she says something about him.
    She is 88 years old and I am just trying to enjoy whatever time I have left in this life with my mother. Does she drive me crazy? – sometimes, yes!
    I do have older siblings and they just aren’t dependable for anything. I plan all of her appointments around my work and when I can’t my husband takes her. My husband is retired.
    My mum is still very active and I try to let her do some chores around the house to make her feel like she is contributing. And I feel that she enjoys that.
    But at times she treats us like we are children and don’t know what we are doing.
    It has now reached the point that when I come home my husband explodes that he can’t deal with her anymore. I made a promise to my dad that I would take care of her. I don’t know what I can do.
    We do try to plan weekends away just to get a break, when possible.
    Is there anyone else feeling like this, and any suggestions?
    I love my mum and I love my husband, but at times there is no pleasing anyone no matter how hard I try.

    #2945

    Alison
    Keymaster

    Hi Anne,

    Your mother is very fortunate to have you step up to provide care for her. I hope she recognises it.

    It sounds as if your husband has reached the end of his tether, so is there any way to decrease his caregiving burden? Maybe you could have someone else stay at home with your mother at times–another family member if your siblings can’t be relied on, or maybe a home help? There are lots of agencies around and Age UK is very helpful.
    Any chance you could cut back on your work hours to spend a bit more time with your mother, or would she be happy to spend some time every week in an adult day centre if one is available near you? As she’s still active would she be interested in an adult education centre to meet people and do something that interests her? Many councils run them as well as some charities.

    Your husband would hopefully appreciate any of these efforts and then would be able to bear–and maybe even enjoy–the time he would still spend with your mother. It’s good the two of you continue to spend time together apart from you Mum. I wish you luck in balancing all of your responsibilities.

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